


Spiraling Out Of Control

by dvasing



Series: Fire Emblem Fates AU [1]
Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Developing Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-24
Updated: 2016-07-24
Packaged: 2018-07-26 08:44:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7567678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dvasing/pseuds/dvasing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Then you’re telling me you’d sign right up to be a retainer again?” Shiro laughed at that, “I’m royalty, you shouldn’t lie to me.”<br/>“I don’t understand why you’re asking. It isn’t important. I’m your retainer and that isn’t changing.”<br/>“I want to know though. If you could choose, would you still be my retainer?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Spiraling Out Of Control

**Author's Note:**

> This is an AU where all the kids were able to grow up naturally. Some things are different-- mainly Nohr and Hoshido settled their issues a lot differently and way more peacefully. But now we're here with the kids! Also I really do hope this fic is enjoyable. I rewrote it four times and I'm still not pleased with it at all. It's not even close to where I wanted it to be, but here it is!

Shiro remembered a conversation he’d had with Asugi when they were just a bit younger very clearly. They were visiting Nohr for some event that honestly went right over his head. The day before, Shiro had neglected his duties as prince of Hoshido and instead insisted on some alone time, which was code for bothering the hell out of Asugi.

Asugi, being his retainer, went where he went. Shiro knew that and took advantage of it fully. Later, Shiro would claim that he’d ditched his duties as a favor for Asugi, but in the moment he was ranting about how he needed to be away from his father to just breathe for a moment. He clearly remembered saying that Asugi of all people should understand, and he remembered the look he’d gotten from Asugi as well. It had been a warning not to go there, but Shiro never had been good at knowing when to stop.

Shiro had ended up in a place that could almost pass as a garden if someone tried hard enough, or if the sun would actually shine long enough for the plants to grow properly. That was the moment he thought back to now. When he’d been sitting in that garden with Asugi, and he heard Asugi ask,

“If you weren’t a prince, what would you want to do with your life?”

Shiro had hummed in thought.

“I don’t know. I think It’d be something involved with the military… I’m good at fighting, so I guess I should stick with something close to that?”

“Oh.”

“Why? What about you?”

“I would want to disappear into the world. No one would know who I am or who I’m supposed to be.”

“...You don’t want that now, do you?”

“...No, of course not.”

Of course Shiro hadn’t believed Asugi. Not fully. While the boy went on an awful lot about his duty as a retainer and how Shiro enjoyed making his job harder, Shiro always knew that Asugi ended up a retainer at such a young age because of Saizo.

Looking back on it, Shiro probably could have been a bit nicer to Asugi, though if he wanted to argue it Asugi could have been nicer to him too. He remembered one time Asugi had punched him right in the face, though Shiro deserved it. He remembered when he’d tripped Asugi in the middle of training. Asugi would have punched him again had Ryoma not been present. He remembered that particular conversation as they arrived in Nohr yet again, for some other function that they weren’t required to be at but they were there anyways.

Asugi looked miserable; Shiro could bet it had something to do with Saizo. It almost always did now that he thought about it. Though they were both older now, it didn’t feel like much had changed. Shiro was still making Asugi’s life slightly too hard and Asugi was still stuck as his retainer. The biggest difference Shiro could think of was that he felt the word ‘stuck’ applied more nowadays than it had in the past.

Sure, they hadn’t always gotten along, but as they grew up Asugi and Shiro were friends, not just lord and retainer. Asugi hadn’t minded becoming Shiro’s retainer so young because friends protected friends, but things change. People change. The thing was, the one thing Asugi wanted to change never did.

Shiro couldn’t quite place what that thing was, but he never asked. He thought maybe Asugi wanted Saizo to change-- Shiro sure did sometimes. The man was loyal but could be downright cruel if he wanted to be. Other times Shiro thought Saizo wasn’t the big problem, but just one of several smaller ones. Either way he never fully figured it out and he didn’t intend on asking. Not when Asugi looked about ready to snap.

“Asugi,” Shiro caught the boy’s attention, “I’m going for a walk.”

“Alright.”

By now, Shiro had been in Nohr enough that he knew a few areas pretty well. Not quite like home, but he knew them enough to walk around and not get lost. He went for one of his favorite areas, a relatively small forest not too far from the castle. Ryoma would have his head later for up and leaving, but Shiro would worry about that later.

“It’s nice to be away from everyone.” He mentioned as they got to the forest.

“You have no idea.” Asugi muttered.

Shiro gave a sad smile.

“Your dad really gets on you for everything, doesn’t he?”

“That’s just how parents are.” Asugi said with a shrug, “I should be used to it by now. Saizo has always been this way, I don’t know why I expect anything different. I really don’t.”

“Well, now you don’t have to worry about it! Even if it’s just for a little while. I figure even a few minutes makes all the difference. It does when my dad gets annoying.”

Asugi didn’t say anything for a while after that. Shiro wondered if he’d said something wrong but wasn’t sure. He decided to try and change the topic.

“Do you remember a few years ago? We came to Nohr for some big party thing?”

“You hated every minute of it.”

“What, it was boring!”

“You tried to ‘spice things up’ and it resulted in Forrest falling into a lake. You ruined his dress and he hexed you. But yes, I remember. Crystal clear, go on.”

“Before the actual party we went out and you asked me what I’d want to do if I wasn’t a prince. When I asked you the same question, you said you wanted to disappear… Do you still feel that way?”

“...I didn’t mean that.” Asugi lied, “I just didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t serious.”

“Then you’re telling me you’d sign right up to be a retainer again?” Shiro laughed at that, “I’m royalty, you shouldn’t lie to me.”

“I don’t understand why you’re asking. It isn’t important. I’m your retainer and that isn’t changing.”

“I want to know though. If you could choose, would you still be my retainer?”

“I can’t answer that.”

“And why not?”

Asugi shrugged. Shiro turned to face him and gave him a look. Asugi didn’t know what to say or do, so he just stared at the ground.

“Are you going to answer the question or stare at the ground all day?”

“I can’t answer the question.”

“At least tell me why.”

“Because I just can’t.”

Shiro crossed his arms over his chest.

“Just tell me. You have to have some reason, right?”

“Shiro--”

“Asugi.”

Asugi glared at him. Shiro was pushing and he knew he shouldn’t, but he wanted to know. He wanted Asugi to explain this to him. Shiro wasn’t sure what he was expecting but when Asugi shoved him, he was fully caught off guard.

“I can’t answer because I don’t know if it’d be me or my dad answering, ok!? It wasn’t a big deal at first but now it is because everything that I am is judged by how good I am at servicing  _ you _ !” Asugi shouted, “You don’t get it; every day my father tells me what I failed at and what I’m lacking in! I never hear what I did good at or even get asked what I think! This was so much easier when we were kids because we were friends and I didn’t realize I was being trained to be your-- your puppet!”

“Asugi I never once thought of you as anything less than my friend.” Shiro quickly said, “I didn’t realize--”

“Of course you didn’t realize.” Asugi snapped, “You don’t have to deal with my father as much as I do. Every minute that I’m away from him is like heaven but it never matters because I hear him in my head when I’m not good enough or when I catch myself thinking that I’d rather be anywhere but in the present! It’d be different if I had a  _ choice _ but I don’t!”

There was a long moment of silence where neither knew what to say. Asugi hadn’t meant to put all of that on Shiro; he immediately regretted it once he was done with his rant. Shiro on the other hand hadn’t realized the problem was quite that deep. He chose his words very carefully, honestly trying to save the situation,

“If you want to stop being my retainer that’s fine. Or if you need to think about it, that’s fine too. I didn’t know… I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. You didn’t do anything. None of this is  _ you _ , it’s just… I don’t know if I want to be your retainer because I actually like doing this or if it’s just because my father trained me for this since the day I was able to walk.” Asugi sighed heavily and shook his head, “I need to be alone. I’m sorry, I guess,”

Before Shiro could figure out what to say, Asugi was gone and Shiro was seemingly alone, left to think about all of what Asugi had told him. 


End file.
